Children’s behaviour

Learning about children’s behaviour Excerpt from Everyday Learning Series Published by Early Childhood Australia Children’s behaviour is one of the most common things that parents worry about. Children aren’t born knowing what behaviour is wanted and what behaviour is not wanted and, in fact, this varies depending on where you live in the world and which family you live in. So we need to teach children about behaviour, just as we need to teach them about talking and getting dressed and all the other things in their lives. Sometimes, because behaviour problems can worry parents, the way they teach about behaviour is not as positive as the way they teach other things —it can end up as simply trying to stop children doing things, rather than teaching what they need to learn. The way we teach behaviour is what makes the difference. Teaching with love and understanding, and with respect for their feelings and needs, is the most likely way to achieve what we want for children. Teaching about behaviour is more than just helping children to learn what they need to do to be safe and be part of the community they live in; it is also about ‘listening’ to what the behaviour is saying about the child’s needs and feelings. Teaching and listening must go together. Listening to behaviour is harder than listening to words, but it is just as important because behaviour is the way that very young children communicate. “The way we teach behaviour is what makes the difference.Teaching with love and understanding, and with respect for their feelings and needs, is the most likely way to achieve what we want for children.” Children’s behaviour With babies and very young children, what they do (behaviour) is the only way they have to let us know how they feel and what they need. Young babies don’t do this consciously; they just respond to inner signals that tell them they are hungry or frightened or in pain—so they cry. Or they feel comfortable, and they smile or look relaxed. Or they are interested in their world, and they look alert and reach out to people and things. As they grow to be toddlers and into childhood, they learn to use words to express feelings and needs, but they still show them through behaviour as well. So when we, as adults, respond to children’s behaviour, we need to be thinking about what it means to the child as well as what it means to us. Responding to behaviour How adults respond to young children’s behaviour is the way children learn to manage feelings and to relate to other people. These are some of the most important things they need to learn about getting on in the world they live in. Some people call responding to behaviour ‘behaviour management’ and others call it ‘discipline’. Discipline means to teach, and teaching is the role of parents and adults in helping children to learn about managing feelings and relationships. Learning about these things takes many years, and requires patience and understanding from the adults who care for children. It is important to be aware of what your children understand about the world and what they can do. All children are different in the ways they grow and learn, so you will know about this best by knowing your own child. However, here are some general things to think about. Young infants, under about six months old, don’t understand that other people exist when they are out of sight. So your infant cannot be crying to manipulate you or make you walk the floor. Babies are responding to their own inner needs and, the younger the baby, the more important it is for you to try to meet those needs promptly and as well as you can. Babies can’t wait. Crawlers and toddlers have learned that you exist when you are out of sight, so you can call out that you are coming and often your older baby’s cries will quieten. Toddlers see the world from their own point of view, and they think that if they are feeling something you will be feeling it too. They are likely to think that, if you are angry or sad, it is about them, even if it seems clear to you that it is about something else. Toddlers are beginning to feel more like independent people and want to explore their independence, so they will often say ‘no’ (even when they mean ‘yes’). Toddlers don’t have the same sense of time as adults. They can’t hurry. It takes about three years for children to feel more confident when separated from the carers they feel safe with, and to understand that you can’t read their minds. By this time, children have a lot more understanding, and you can explain things to them with words. When you are responding to your child’s behaviour you need to have realistic expectations of what they can understand and do. This article is provided by Early Childhood Australia for Motherhood Readers from their Everyday Learning Series about babies' toddlers and preschoolers.